Thursday, April 28, 2011

Playwrights Project Scene 1 for Feedback



Joseph B.

per. 4

4/21/11

Why Me?


Characters: Demetri Douglas Ybarra - Mexican, 9 yrs. old, short black hair, heavyset, independent, also known as D

Elizabeth Rose - Beautiful, White, D’s mother,


Dr. Jeffer - Deep voice, almost apologetic

Rosa - foster mother of Demetri, not a major character, Mexican lady, in her 30’s, red and black hair.


Officer Greg - White male, in his uniform, black facial hair, 5’11, deep voice

Setting: In the living room, it’s about 3:30 p.m., sunny day
At Rise: D is at the door just about to enter from school as the phone rings. he is wearing his backpack and after hears the phone rushes to the phone. The living room is one of the biggest rooms of the house.
Background: D’s father has been in the hospital due to his cancer. D has a close relationship with his father and is upset that mother Elizabeth wont let D see his dad. Elizabeth won’t let him visit his father because he is just getting worse and she doesn’t want D to see him looking like that. This does cause a bit of conflict, but is the best for everyone.

D:

[D is on the other side of the door. There is a sound of keys and as D is opening the dorr the phone rings. ]

Oh snap!

[D runs through the door rushing to the phone.]

Hello?

Dr. Jeffer:

[Has a deep, apologetic tone to his voice.]

Hello is this the Ybarra residence? This is Dr. Jeffer.

D:

[Confused look on his face]

Oh yes, yes sir. This is D, Mr. Ybarra is my dad. How is he doing? Is he o.k.?
Dr. Jeffer

[Same voice]

Well, actually that is what I called to talk to talk about. But, is there anyone else I can talk to? Your gaurdian or someone along those lines, because you do know information about a patient is confidential.

D

No, but I am his son sir.

Dr. Jeffer

Well son, I am so sorry to tell you this, but your father past about five minutes ago. Please notify your mother and again son I apologize for your loss.

D

[In awe, and then blows up and throws the phone. The phone complete shatters and a piece cuts his arm.]

No!
Dr. Jeffer

[sympathetic, but not able to finish his sentence.]

Wai...............

D

[Angry, he doesn’t like to cry, but since no one wherre a couple tears rolled down his cheeck.]

No! Why? God, why? Dad I love you, don’t die please don’t die...

[Wipes his tears and sits on the couch]

God why did you take my father away from me? Huh? You have no reason I want him, I miss him already!

[He stands up, his blood smeared with blood and tears. D grabs his backpack and storms to his room.]


THIRTY MINUTES LATER...


Elizabeth

[She just came home from work, exhausted. Then she walks in to his room with D sitting on his bed with a blank stare]

D! D are you home? D? Oh hey, I guess you heard?

D

Why mom, why? I couldn’t at least see him once?

Elizabeth

He was just getting worse sweetie, I didn’t want you to see him like that.

D

[Angy tone in his voice]

That’s my dad, I think I am old enough to choose if I want to see him! He’s dead now mom! Dead....

Elizabeth

Don’t raise your voice at me son it was for your own good! We all are suffering of your father’s loss!

D

[Left the room after he spoke]

Well now he’s gone Mom, but at least you got to see him right?

Elizabeth

[she sinks her head into her arms and cries.]







What could I add to this scene to make it better?
More details
More dialogue
Less details
Less dialogue
Any more suggestions? Please comment my post!
pollcode.com free polls

7 comments:

  1. That is very cool that you put a poll on your blog. I was going to do the same but my internet wasn't working.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I really like the emotion that you put into the scene it made it seem more real.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I like your secne one. It's a very emotional scene.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I liked you poem a lot just there was a little mess up here "Hello is the Ybarra residence? This is Dr. Jeffer." Other then that good job keep up the good work.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think this is a really good play. It's going to be pretty awesome to see who actually wins, but if yours wins the criticts would like it. Good job.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hey Jospeh,
    your scene one is really good! I love how you put the background on there and what you are talking about. I bealive it gives the actors more info or what role they will be playing in this scene. P.S you might want to fix your key club post on the side because it cuts off some of the words in the scence. (Blocking it)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I like how your scene is so detailed with feelings. This is very interesting! keep it up Jo.

    ReplyDelete